St. Paul Street Evangelization (SPSE) is pleased to announce the creation of a new resource that promises to launch the New Evangelization into a futuristic era. National Director Steve Dawson explains:

“While our apostolate has had great success in reaching people for Jesus Christ, we were aware that more than 50% of those we spoke to would not make a decision for Jesus and His Church. Unacceptable! Working with Cyberdyne System Labs under a grant from Unit, we have developed a new neural transmitter that allows our evangelists to directly upload the Deposit of Faith into the minds of those that we are speaking to. I’m not quite sure why the military is so interested in this type of evangelistic technology, but they mentioned something about ‘alternative applications’. Regardless, we own the patent and are calling the device Theta K7.”

At the April 1st gala where the Theta K7 was officially announced, Philadelphia Archbishop Charles Chaput voiced some reservations. He asked Dawson how the device could be employed without violating free will. Consequently, Dawson was overheard saying, “Just hold still Your Excellency, yes, right there.” After Dawson demonstrated Theta K7, the Archbishop gave him approval to use it throughout his archdiocese.

“I admit that some members of our staff didn’t believe that this type of approach could be effective,” said Dawson. “That has happened before, such as with our Pope Francis Bill Tracts. My business manager, Mark Hornbacher, felt that Theta K7 would be cost prohibitive. I found his lack of faith disturbing, so Mark is now working at our field office in the Northern Dune Sea desert. After our 170 teams receive their transmitters this summer, I expect overall Mass attendance to increase 1000% in its first year. And there is more good news. Thanks to our Supporting Missionary Program, 10 devices will be free for every one of our teams.”

Global Catholic News reached out to several experts. One expert said that he would be visiting the self-described “Intergalactic Headquarters” of SPSE to deal with what he felt was the unfair advantage SPSE was creating for the Catholic Church. He anticipated a few problems due to the security system in place by Dalek Security Systems.

The first person to email with all of the hidden references in this release will receive a free St. Paul Street Evangelization 2.0 T-shirt.